So I tried to sell a bike on Craigslist a while back, and received a number of entertaining replies. In this case, the “buyer” was short and to the point, so I decided to respond in kind.

As always, spam letter first (unedited), and then my response.

____________________

Thanks for the prompt response to my mail. I will be buying it from you so please kindly withdraw the advert . Please to be informed that i will pay you with a certified bank check and once you have the check cashed at your bank then i will arrange for the pick up at your place..I will need the following details to mail the payment as soon as possible.

Name to be on the check____
Home address____
City____
State____
Zip Code_____
Cell phone #______

Stefani.

______________________

Hello!

That sounds great! I am so ready to sell it. It’s been on Craigslist 3 days(!), and I was beginning to lose patience and just take the thing to Goodwill.

As you know from the ad, I live in Austin, so you must know I’m very concerned about the carbon emissions associated with the modern postage system. That government-sponsored petroleum machine is a disgrace, and I long for the days when we will return to an equine-based parcel system a la the Pony Express.

So let’s do this: I have a falcon that I’ve trained, named Twizzlers. He’s much like a carrier pigeon, except for his huge talons and wild carnivorous appetite. If you just give me your address (I assume your local), I can send him to pick up the check.

Don’t worry – he’s very well trained. Just leave some raw meat or chicken bones on top of the check to replenish his strength. (Also, make sure you don’t have any pet cats or small dogs out on the porch.)

I know that seems a bit extreme, but he can complete the task within 48 hours, and I feel it’s worth it for the sake of the earth, especially since we’re well past the borrowed time the Mayans predicted!

Let me know if this works for you. I plan on taking the bike to the shop this afternoon to be cleaned and packed.

Thanks!

Jak