Over the River, Through the Woods

I’m going to be honest, I think I had just watched The Princess Bride some time close to when I received and responded to this letter about a bike I had for sale on CraigsList. It shows.

As always, spam letter first (unedited), then my response.

______________________________

Bernard Addison
4:41 PM (4 hours ago) to me

Thank you for the response.I am okay with the price and the
condition.My mode of payment will be by bank certified check / cashier
check in US dollars,because that is the only convenient means for
me.so please do withdraw the advert from the website with immediate
effect, Concerning the shipment,my shipper will be at your place for
the pick up after you receive the payment and when it clears .I really
wish to be there to check out the item but i don’t have chance.Please
let me have the following so that the payment can be made to you .

Name to be on the check……………………………
Home address or office address…………………
City…………………………………………………………
State……………………………………………………….
Zip Code………………………………………………….
phone #……………………………………………

Note that the payment will be shipped to your address via UPS NEXT DAY
AIR SERVICE an and I will like you to know that you will not be
responsible for shipping i will have my mover to come over as soon as
you have cashed the check, Thank you

_________________________

Bernard,

Perfect! I’m so glad we could reach an agreement so quickly. I will look forward to meeting your movers.

Just so you know, it’s a bit tricky getting to my house, as I live a unique life of solitude due to some unfortunate life events and food allergies (note – please make sure none of your movers have eaten Greek food within 24 hours of their visit. Also, no boysenberries.).

My address is 1 CR 648 NW, Nacogdoches, TX 76546

Now here’s where it gets tricky. Once you turn on 648, you’re going to head down a dirt road for about 6-17 miles. After you make a left at the old oak, you’ll pass a cemetery (don’t mind the gravediggers; they always look like that).

After you pass the cemetery, drive 6 paces and pull over near the crag. Be sure the movers step out of the vehicle slowly, so as not to wake the night creatures (or the day creatures, for that matter). Have them call out, in unison, “May he who comes from the north, please reveal himself or herself that he or she may lead us to the dwelling!” It’s important that they say this as loud as possible, and as a team.

At this point, either Rolf or Marge will likely greet you, and be sure not to look either of them in the eye – each one of them is incredibly jealous, and you never know if the other one is watching. Rolf will probably want to hold the hand of whomever you designate as “the leader” of the movers, and will then lead you through the bog and over the moat to my house. If you really want to win either of them over, bring some beads and some mixed carpet remnants.

Once there, just ring the doorbell. Now pay close attention here – my doorbell is less like a traditional doorbell, and more like two metal trash can lids that I’ll need you to bang together for a good five minutes or so, in case I’m in the shower and can’t hear you. Sometimes Marge will get really into this part and dance a bit, so just smile in her direction and remember to NOT look her in the eye. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. DO NOT LOOK HER IN THE EYES!

After that, it’s pretty simple. I’ll just come to the door and drop off the vacuum.

Looking forward to seeing you and your team!

jj6k

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