Report: Paper Maché Still Saddest Way to Craft

A recent survey of more than 250 local amateur artists confirmed ongoing belief that crafting with paper maché remains the least satisfying way to create art of any kind.

“I’m not really sure how this ever became a form of expression,” said local high school art teacher Kathleen Regal. “I’ve got a room full of students here, and a supply closet stocked with paint and markers. And we’re here dipping newspaper in glue and slapping it on a balloon. For what?”

Several students in the class echoed their teacher’s sentiments.

“I thought it was a joke when she started explaining it,” senior Kayden Rovell said. “Like yeah, we’re going to dip this newspaper in this crap and cover these wire coat hangers. But then we did.”

“I thought I could make a little planet or something,” fellow classmate Savannah Reills said. “But planets aren’t shaped like balloons, and then it popped halfway through.”

“I kinda just threw a few more pieces on there and quit,” she added. “I told her it was modern art, and named it “The Trouble of My Youth. Got a B+.”

Indeed, the sad ritual of dipping old newspaper into a bowl of watered down glue is so grim, studies show that over 90% of paper maché projects are abandoned early or hurried through, resulting in a large assortment of what can only be classified as “abstract.”

Pointing to what most closely resembles a pile of athletic socks for a giant, rising local artist Kalvïn Dœr acknowledges his first and last paper maché commission in the far corner of his studio.

“I was asked to make a sculpture to celebrate a company’s 20th Anniversary,” Dœr said. “I was trying to make this big omega-looking symbol, kinda like their logo. But it wouldn’t dry fast enough, and kept drooping down. I drank a lot that night.”

“In the end,” he continued, “I just kinda threw some color into the pile. I’m still waiting on the remaining 50% payment. I don’t blame them.”

“Another issue is the profanity in the classroom,” Regal added.

Indeed, data from correlated studies show traditional mouse trap making as the only craft with a higher associated rate of expletive usage.

“I showed more creativity in my cursing that night with the maché than any other moment in my life. Felt like I was cussing in the 4th dimension,” Dœr added. “The shop owner nearby actually called the cops because he thought he’d heard some kind of domestic dispute. But they got here and saw the glue and newspaper strips and were cool about it. Wasn’t the first time that’d happened, apparently.”


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