The 10 New Year’s Resolutions Nobody Else is Doing

Over time, things change to become what they are. A stream becomes a river, becomes a canyon, and so on.

But change doesn’t happen without intentional effort. While so many of your friends have pledged to shed pounds, read more, or visit that farmer’s market over by the Panera, the unconventional path calls out to you, rare reader of this blog.

And so, my gift to you this new year – 10 Resolutions Absolutely No One Else is Doing.


1 – Visit your city’s most popular steakhouse just after they open, and order pancakes. Insist on calling them “flapjacks,” even after the waiter assures you they don’t sell pancakes. Then throw a huge fit over them serving Coke instead of Pepsi, leave a large tip, and storm out. Bonus points for the follow up Yelp review praising their flapjacks.

2 – Take your estranged uncle on a worldwide trip of famous bogs, mires and swamps. I recommend surprising him at his place of work with plane tickets that leave within the hour. Any good boss will understand.

3 – Pour one gallon of buttermilk out of the window of your car during the longest red light of your commute each day.

4 – Wear ankle weights around your forearms at your desk at work, and change your outgoing email profile to “Jonny/Suzie Big Wrists” as a way to show that your intent on improving your typing physique this year.

5 – Walk your emu without a leash.

6 – During days of inclement weather, take to all forms of social media to praise how well the citizens in your given area drive during these times. Celebrate their poise, balance and general sense of togetherness.

7 – Take a copy of your living will to the grocery store on your next 13 consecutive trips, asking the cashier to sign as Witness each time, and withholding payment for your items (3 dozen Dove chocolate bars) until they agree. Upon receiving their signature, say “This Dove’s for you,” and take one bite of the candy bar before dropping it into the top of your shirt.

8 – Compose a haiku for the cast of Inside the NBA each day, and mail at the end of each week.

9 – Fax a copy of the birth certificate from the stuffed animal you made at Build-A-Bear to all of the local colleges in your area. Address the Cover Page to “Admissions,” and leave the rest blank.

10 – Elegantly gift wrap an antique cast iron skillet, and then film and post your child’s reaction as you present it to them.


Here’s to making 2017 all the things you never thought it could be!


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