Once again blaming a “changing of the times,” officials from the Whig party recently conceded that 2016 election results were the worst on record. With limited data in public records, a recent offhand interview with party spokesman Willie Person Mangum III revealed that the totals were exceedingly low.
“Remarkably poor,” Mangum reflected. “Like, I could name most of our voting base by name, over a kettle dinner.”
Following a “golden age” in the 1840s, the Whig party has seen their voting base diminish. Holding strong to party stances on prohibition, American Indian relocation and a strong distaste for British colonialism, Mangum admits Whig views struggle to find a key demographic in the modern era.
“After Millard (Fillmore) left office, it seems like that was the beginning of the end,” says Mangum. “But if no one else will hold on to to these values, the movement will die out.”
Studies suggest the movement is literally dying out, as most modern American cases of cholera appear to be tied almost exclusively to registered Whig voters, who reject modern vaccines as “King George’s Sleepy Cocktail.”
Recent Whig marketing campaigns have also struggled to gain a foothold. Mangum said the party hired a marketing consultant to help spread the message across modern channels, but admits their “1828 Tariff of Abominations” Snapchat filter was confusing to users.
“I thought it was a new film from those dudes that did the Saw movies,” said Cincinatti teenager Kollin Chelf.
A year like 2016 might lead some party leaders to throw in the towel, but Mangum remains optimistic about the party’s place on the proverbial ladder.
“Not our best year, but look at the Antimasons, World Workers Party and the Covenant Party,” he offers, gleefully. “We’ve still got a healthy lead over them, and hoping to consolidate their base.”