Promising a “revolutionary breakthrough” in the nascent breakfast grains marketplace, Quaker today introduced their new “Titanium Cut Oats” in a plan to phase out their more common lines of traditional steel-cut oats.
“The future is titanium,” said CEO John Thompson. “We live in a modern age, where this precious metal is used in sophisticated offshore drilling equipment and life-saving medical equipment. There’s no reason that technology shouldn’t make it’s way to your breakfast bowl.”
Dismissing steel technologies as “dated,” the ancient grains advocate praised the benefits of this stronger, lighter metal.
“We’re shredding grains now. Faster and better than ever before,” Thompson boasted, moving his hands over each other in a manner meant to apparently communicate something about how oats are processed.
“The oat hits the metal, and it’s all over.”
Consumer benefits remain unclear, as oat preparation and consumption hasn’t taken what anthropologists would consider a significant leap in centuries. But Thompson insists this is just the beginning.
“Armed with the power of titanium, we can start to dream about where oats can go next,” Thompson said. “Our ‘Oats on a Boat‘ test line is already making waves with long-haul crab fisherman,” he added, laughing aloud for 6 additional minutes upon realizing his unintentional pun.