This is, unequivocally, the most bold and daring spam letter I have received to date. I shed tears of joy in crafting the reply, knowing full well I could not come close to doing it justice.
As always, spam letter (unedited) posted first, then my response.
My Dearest One,
This is Miss Marina Sanzel from Trinidad &Tobago. I am writing from the hospital in Ivory Coast , therefore this mail is very urgent as you can see that I’m dying in the hospital which I don’t know what tomorrow will be. I was told by my doctor that I was poisoned and has got my liver damaged and can only live for some months.
I inherited some money ($2.5 Million) from my late father and I cannot think of anybody trying to kill me apart from my step mother in order to inherit the money, she is an Ivorian by nationality.
I want you to contact my servant with this information below:
Servant Augustine Maranatha.
Address: Rue De La Princess L /G 152 Cocody
Abidjan, Cote D’Ivoire.
He will give you the documents of the money and will direct you to a well known lawyer that I have appointed to him, the lawyer will assist you to change the documents
of the money to your name to enable the bank transfer the money to you.
This is the favor I need when you have gotten the money :-
(1) Give 20% of the money to my servant Augustine as he has been there for me through my illness and I have promised to support him in life. I want you to take him
along with you to your country and establish him as your son.
(2) Give 30% of the money to handicap people and charity organization, then the remaining one is yours.
Note; This should be a code between you and my Servant Augustine in this transaction “Hospital” any mail from him, the barrister he will direct you to, without this code
“Hospital” is not from the barrister, Augustine, the bank or myself as I don’t know what will happen to me in the next few hours.
(3) The lawyer’s name is Mc Lambert Adams . And Let Augustine send you his International passport to be sure of whom you are dealing with. Augustine is so little
therefore guide him.
And if I don’t hear from you, I will look for another person or an organization.
Please do not forget to contact Maranatha Augustine.
May Almighty God bless you and use you to accomplish my wish.
Pray for me always.
Pardon my boldness, but far be it from me to suggest this encounter is simply a chance one. It was only yesterday, while playing Words With Friends, that my remaining letters for my final move spelled “MCLAMBERT.” Unfortunately, that’s not a universally recognized word, and I lost the match handily. Nevertheless, my soul was stirred.
And it was only a few weeks prior, during a late night Jamba Juice run, that I contemplated the idea of randomly adopting the grown employee of a stranger from a distant land.
No, this cannot be chance.
My answer is a resounding YES. Yes to all. Yes to adopting Augustine. Yes to using code language to communicate with him. Yes to the charity. Yes to McLambert (a name I can trust).
Unlike your recently poisoned liver and overall family dynamics, I will not fail you.
Have you seen that one episode of Full House where Uncle Joey thinks he’s going to hit it big time with his woodchuck puppet act and it turns out he was being played all along? Well I can tell you the way I feel is the exact opposite. I know this is real.
I hope your fragile organs have sustained you long enough to read my response. Rest now, in peace.