Next of Kiln, Part II

Well, the saga continues.

In what will likely go down as my greatest CraigsLetter ever, the dialogue with one Mark Tumelo continues, up to the very moment of this post. For context, you’ll need to read the original post if you haven’t yet. This series of emails began with me asking him to disavow all knowledge for fear I was being set up. The first note is his response to that statement.

As always, spam letters (unedited) and my responses.


Dear Jak,

I think i have to look for someone else to transact this deal with… you are messing with me and you are not serious. Take care of yourself.


Just to be sure, how did Barrowcliff say he knew me? My wife made that point and I just assumed she knew him. How am I supposed to know him?

Dear Jak,

Let me begin from the beginning, i told you in my first mail that my deceased client has no Next Of Kin to come for the claims of his inheritance FUND. And during my finding i found out that you have the same name with him then i contacted you to come and stand as his next of kin to get this fund so we can share it and do business with it in your country. That is all about it. And everything is in place for us to achieve this. All that is remaining is the info which i will open a file with.

Barrowcliff was my grandmother’s first name but not my own. Are you sure this is not a mistake? The van is still there.


Dear Jak,

It is not a mistake… But i am not bothering you to continue if you do not trust me. We can forget about it then i keep searching again for someone who can execute this transaction.
No no no, don’t be hasty. Maybe it’s a loose connection to my popular former pet cat, Heathcliff. He was so sweet in his day, a friend of mine actually made an animated drawing of him (see attached).
So, the van has left and I’m feeling relieved. I feel this is worth a roll of the dice (plus my pebble guy is still waiting).
So, you just need me to mail that info?
Yes you can mail the info ASAP

Great! Just put it in the mail. I found your address online, assume it’s still current?

Thanks again for your understanding,

Mark – I spoke too soon. I found a Facebook page with your name but there was no address. The envelope is stamped and I called the post office to see how much postage I need for South Africa. They said they can get it there in two days.

Where should I mail this?

Dear Jak,

Send it to
406 Naledi Building,
Flat, 110,
Greef Street,
Sunny Side, 0002.
Pretoria, South Africa.
Mark Tumelo

Ok perfect,

Do you want me to send some of the fish tank samples I already have to get an idea of what I’m thinking business-wise? I want to get your feedback.

Very Okay,

yes you can send it to enable me know the business we can venture into when we are through with the this transaction. Let me know when you have send it.


OK perfect. So in order to figure out what I can send you, a few questions:

– If your office well-lit? Some of these fish are more sensitive to that than others?
– Do you have a power supply? Going to need about 2-7 plugs
– Any shellfish allergies? A serious consideration of any cuddling/snuggling is to be anticipated?
Thanks again. So excited.
Yes i can handle everything just go ahead and send it.

Whew, what a relief. Ok, here’s what I’m sending:

– 1 ct 10lb bag, glossy tank pebbles (pink)
– 2 ct Fisherman’s Delight bubbling statue w/ antique bronze finish
– “Charlie” – a rather strong-willed eel. Be sure to feed AFTER 6pm
– 10 ct Royal Shipley’s Beta Blue fish food. This is seriously the best stuff on the market and hard to find. We’re going to make a fortune.
– “Clippers” – South Balinese blue hermit crab
– “Slippers” – Clipper’s brother (or sister, so hard to tell)
– 22 gallon industrial strength tank with resin finish (*very* classy look)
– 1 ct Ultraviolet Photosynthesis Exoskeleton tank filter
This is a significant expense to send 2-day express, so please open immediately. Assuming you’re not too far from the coast, can you provide the saltwater yourself?
I will have the salt water ready before it arrives… when are you sending them.
Mark – Hopefully will ship today. Can you send me a picture of your office so I can feel good about where all this will be?
Attach is the Building Office i am in the 17th floor.

Wow wow! That’s nice! Is that the bank?

What’s it like working there? Will they allow pets? Is there a gym onsite?
pet would be in the residential building and there is gym… Have you sent mail out…?


Spoke with my financial advisor this morning (he works at Denny’s, big institution), and he suggested that I travel to conduct this business with you in person, as it does involve a magnitude of funds. I tend to agree with him, although ticket prices are expensive.
I have cleared my schedule and can be there as early as next week. Will you be in the office? I know it costs more, but I’ll feel better about hashing this out in person.

You can send me your flight schedule to enable me come and pick you at the Airport. And take you to my office. Scan the ticket and send to know then i will know how to make arrangement for your accommodation. Keep me posted immediately.


Thank you, Mark – Before I purchase these tickets, what assurances do I have that this is real, and that you will care for marine life in the same ways I will? In business, passion and alignment are everything.



You send a message that you are not related to my client that i should refrain from further communication. Why are you now saying i should give you assurance that this is real. If you do not want to do this transaction with me fine there is no problem. I know i will find someone who knows the worth of this huge amount of money and transact it with me and every body should part away with his or her share.
I have told you time without number that this transaction is 100% risk free that is why i need you to send to me your information to enable me open a file on your behalf then we can start from there by you applying to the bank in writing.
And what about the business idea?
Sent from my iPhone. Please excuse any typos.
What business idea…?
Oh my gosh the aquarium idea? I assumed you were doing research on your end? Do you even like fish?


Sent from my Moto RAZR . Please excuse any typos, and the fact that I still use a RAZR.

I believe i have told you about it that we will venture into it… But i have to stop communicating because you are pulling me back on this transaction… You sound as if you are not serious about it. I have to look for someone else. Please do not be offended thanks for your time spend in communicating with me so far.


N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o-o please don’t please don’t I’m just trying to make myself comfortable. It’s a large sum to travel and I already don’t like flying.


You are making things complex and complicated for yourself, i told you to send your detail information to enable me register you as the next of kin to this man but you are acting up asking irrelevant questions… If you had sent your information you would have been dealing with the bank directly now with my guidance we are there. I do not know what to say that is why i said i have to search for another person to handle it. Because you do not sound serious to handle this transaction.

So let’s keep it simple  – what do you need?

Dear Jak,

The information i need to go ahead is your information to enable me process some document on your behalf before you can contact the bank here. I need your;
1. Full Name………………………………
2. Contact Address……………………..
3. Age……………………………………….
4. Marital Status…………………………
5. Occupation…………………………….
6. Next Of Kin…………………………….
7. Contact Phone Numbers…………..
8. Identification Card…….. Drivers Licence or International Passport.
Upon these i would help you open a file prior to when you will contact the bank, to enable you have a record with the bank. Keep me posted as soon as possible.
Attached, but it has my old address.
Jak id recent1


I have gotten your drivers licence, all that is remaining is below information just fill it in from of it…
1. Full Name………………………………
2. Contact Address……………………..
3. Age……………………………………….
4. Marital Status…………………………
5. Occupation…………………………….
6. Next Of Kin…………………………….
7. Contact Phone Numbers…………..
1. Full Name: Jak Fox Mulder
2. Contact Address: 9900 W. Parmer Ln, Austin, TX (still the address for a Baskin Robbins)
4. Marital Status: Single, ready to mingle LOLol
5. Occupation: Entrepreneur/Marine Habitat Engineer
6. Next Of Kin: Charlie (referenced earlier)
7. Contact Phone Numbers: 248-2275 (still the number for Baskin Robbins)
i wanted to call you but your phone number is not complete… would call me instead…? or you give me your recent complete phone number…?

Sorry, you have to add a 512 at the beginning.

Ok… am going to give you a call and after then i will proceed to opening of file tomorrow.
Ok, please call ASAP.
I tried to call you now but it wasn’t connecting… can you call me back..?

Please try this number instead:

512-454-4197 (local comic book shop I found)
Both numbers are not yours one was picked by a lady saying there is no Jak working with them and the other man said there is no such person there… What is going on…? do you really want us to do this transaction…? Call me now.
(Reader’s note – at this point, I just decided to call him. Video below)


So excited, Mark. SO excited.

One thought on “Next of Kiln, Part II

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