Across the Pond, then a Left?

This spam letter is straight poppycock – a scammer posing as a Brit who doesn’t know much about the US? Yeah, I’ll buy it.

As always, spam letter first (unedited), then my reply.

—–

Greetings and how are you doing today? It’s my pleasure to contact you through this medium though we barely know each other but i want to seize this opportunity to introduce myself to you.I am Sir Richard Dalton from United Kingdom.I was UK former Ambassador to Tehran Iran as United Nations Envoy/Ambassador.I’m retired and want to go into private investments and from my findings, your country economy has being growing rapidly in tourism and i want to invest in real housing estate or any other profitable investment.i will tell you more and all you need to know as we proceed,my main reason of contacting you is to assist me establish and manage my investment project in your country since i will not always be there for the day to day running of the business because I’m still active with certain governmental appointments.So i want to know if i can trust you and if you are capable of handling such project so i can send you the proper proposal and also let you know the full details of the investment.

I will be pleased to get a feedback from you

———-

Sir Richard,

Greetings, and God save the queen! It’s always a delight to engage in international affairs, especially when it’s just “across the pond,” as they say in Lichtenstein.

Furthermore, ’tis not often one gets into dealings with someone who’s been knighted! Elton John, Paul McCartney, Heath Ledger … and you! As fellow Brit T.S. Eliot would say, “Neat!”

My country has been growing in tourism. Have you been to Detroit lately? I have heard they have indoor malls there overrun with raccoons! And if I learned anything from Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s that those little buggers are adorable and definitely harmless.

Well butter my toffee, I just can’t get over this. It was only about 238 years ago when you and I wouldn’t exactly be friends – me in my Davy Crockett hat, smashing tea barrels and firing randomly at redcoats. And you with your powdered wig and authoritarian views, meticulously steeping the tea that I was tossing into Boston Harbor on the other side of the Atlantic. Now look at us – business partners!

If tourism’s your game, I’ve got two words for you – Duck. Boats.

My friend, if you have not hunkered down in the steel hull of an avian-themed SWAT vehicle that’s been retrofitted to float across small bodies of water, then have you ever really been a tourist? Worried about it sinking? Don’t! It doesn’t have any windows. Or A/C. Or standard operating procedures. Or background checks for drivers. Or oil changes!

You see, worry free. It’s all the benefits of running a bus line without that pesky maintenance. AND it looks like a duck!

And you know the saying (do they say this in GB?) – if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck … it’s likely a solid, overlooked investment opportunity.

Please contact me at your earliest convenience so I can set up the wire transfer.

G’day!

Jak

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